Sadness Catching Up With Me
by MeredithBrody
Summary: In the wake of Russo, Merri tries to commit suicide, and while she hides it from her former team, only her ex-fiance/best friend and her parents know. Until almost 5 months later. By then Merri is on the road to recovery, but will she ever be able to reconcile with her friends in New Orleans and not be consumed by the guilt? (mild Prody & Brames implications, but no outright ships)
1. Chapter 1

_So, this is actually a prologue to a fic that is going to be primarily Merri's POV, with some James and some Pride. For the most part until toward the end it's not going to be so happy. This is my take on why Merri may have actually chosen to leave New Orleans, and in my mind it's the only thing that made sense. This fic contains warnings for suicidality, mental illness, PTSD and trauma throughout, proceed with caution if these topics may upset you. This is the second of my fics to be set in Manchester, but at least this is modern day Manchester not 2003 Manchester. The title of this fic comes from the new song "Okay" by As It Is, check it out. I should say, I have not seen the premiere yet, and I'm not likely to for some time.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 **October 20th, 2016**

For months King had been trying to find where Merri was. Ever since they'd spoken and she'd told him that she wasn't returning to New Orleans. She'd given no reasons, no explanations. She'd just said that she missed the team, but that she wasn't going to miss the job. There was only one person he thought Merri may have gone too to help her if she wasn't with her parents, and he didn't want to try broaching that subject with Olivia Brody right now. So he looked up Merri's personnel file, and was happy that she had never removed his contact details. As soon as the call was picked up, Pride spoke. Not bothering with the niceties of greetings. "James, is she with you?"

"Pride…?" There was a question in James' voice, and that was when Pride realised that they'd never actually spoken. He'd spoken briefly to Sonja, and to Loretta, but otherwise he hadn't met any of Merri's team in New Orleans, and this was the first time they'd spoken.

"Yeah, I looked up your number in Merri's file." He was going to be honest about that, if only because it was an example of exactly how worried about one of his friends he was. "Is she with you?" He couldn't keep the terror and the urgency out of his voice. If she wasn't there he would have to call Olivia, but right now he wanted to hope that she was with James, and that she was safe.

"She's here in Manchester, yes." There was a resignation in the British man's voice, and Pride wondered how long he'd been waiting to have this conversation with someone from Merri's team. Maybe he'd been living under Merri's orders to not contact anyone, but Pride wished that he'd known.

"What happened?" He asked. Though he guessed that if Merri had told him not to talk to her team, James might not answer. But James was a journalist, and he knew that sometimes you had to give information to gain information, and that this was possibly the perfect situation to live by that thinking.

"Nobody told you?" James' voice was hushed, and King just wondered if Merri was right there, maybe listening to James talking on the phone. Possibly thinking that this was one of James' assignments. He almost didn't want to picture Merri's face, because it brought such an intense stab of pain along with it.

"She told me she wasn't coming back, that's it." Pride could tell from James' response that there had been a lot more going on than he'd originally thought, but he couldn't really worry about that right now. All he could worry about was whether or not Merri was safe, that she was somewhere where people were caring for her.

"I..." James started and then paused. King could sense the reticence through the line and across the ocean that separated them. As if this was an interrogation, King knew that he was going to have to add a small amount of pressure to make this work, to get the answers that he'd need to know about Merri.

How to go about it was going to be more difficult, because he didn't want to stop James talking or scare him away, but he needed to convince him to spill what he knew. "James, I'm worried about her. She was my partner, she disappeared without even talking to me, I need to know." Maybe playing up the fact that she was his partner was the wrong way to go about it, but it felt right.

"She tried to commit suicide, Pride. While she was in Florida." James' pronouncement was met by stunned silence as King tried to digest that information. He couldn't really believe that the tough, intelligent and compassionate woman who had lived through so much had gotten to that point.

"She did what?"It wasn't going in. King just couldn't process it and he wasn't sure that he ever would be able to. He needed so much more than those words to understand what was being said. Merri wasn't the type to have sunk so low that she was considering that, and she would have called him, surely she would have called him?

"Merri couldn't take it, she was blaming herself for everything." Alright, that comment did make sense. King remembered how she'd been after the _Moultrie_ investigation had wrapped, and while she'd been involved in that, she hadn't slept with the prime suspect. "She called me to say she was sorry, I managed to get the emergency services to her in time, and when we managed to get through to her she agreed to come to Manchester with me." Of course they'd want her to be as far away as was possible, because otherwise she would want to work. "After she'd been on a 72 hour hold we took her back to her parents in Virginia until she was OK to fly here, we've only been here a month."

"Merri… why would she?" he still couldn't wrap his head around what he was being told, he couldn't imagine that life had gotten so bad that Meredith Brody had decided that the world would be better without her in it. Or whatever had been going on in her head. How hadn't he seen that she was slipping that much.

"She couldn't take the guilt, Pride." James sounded compassionate and as though all of this was weighing on him too. Actually that wouldn't surprise him at all, as he had learnt from being her partner that taking care of Meredith Brody was not an easy job. "She misses you guys terribly. All of you. Even LaSalle. We talk about you all almost every day. But she's better off away from you, away from NCIS, even away from the US." It was nice that Merri wasn't forgetting her team, but that wasn't stopping them all from missing her desperately.

"Can you get her to call me please, when she's feeling better." King just needed to hear from her now, needed to hear it in her own words, needed to know that none of this was his fault. He was probably always going to wish that he'd done more for her, feel guilty that she'd been all alone in Florida that had given her the opportunity to start all of this to begin with.

"And when she's talking to me again. She didn't want you to know." James sounded resigned again, and King understood why she didn't want them to know. She didn't want them to think of her as weak. Pride would never have thought of her as being weak, but he knew that Merri had always had that fear in her mind. "I need to go pick her up, actually. I'll text you her progress."

"Thanks, James." He suddenly felt helpless, knowing that he wasn't the one who was there with her, the one helping her through this, but it was better than she be away from them, he agreed with James there. He just wanted to know that Merri was safe, and whatever he had once thought of James… at least Pride knew that James would care for her. "Take care of her."

"I promise." That was pretty much all he could do. While King could hope that, whatever she was doing in Britain, Merri would make her way through it and, maybe, make her way back to New Orleans. In the two years since she'd been here, and the year and a bit she'd been his partner, she had become one of his most trusted confidantes. He missed her calmness, and he missed her guidance, and he was angry. He was angry about everything, the investigation that was trying to end her, the man she killed who had started all of this. Mostly though, he was angry at himself, because he should have never let her go alone.


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm not actually sure if anyone is reading this, but if you are, hi, thank you. Now this chapter has descriptions suit suicide attempt (I promise the only one that does in the whole fic everything else is just about the fallout not what actually happened) but if that makes you uncomfortable, skip down to the start of May 21st, about midway through the chapter. The lyrics are from "Okay" by As It Is.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 _ **I don't know if I've been worse**_  
 _ **I don't know if I can change**_  
 _ **But right now I don't think that I'm okay**_

 **May 20th, 2016**

The bottle of scotch was too inviting right now, as was handful of pills that she had in front of her. Sleeping tablets she'd been prescribed, something else. The doctor had just wanted to get her out of his office, and she was leaving town anyway. Oblivion was inviting, it felt like nothing could affect her if she was just unconscious. Maybe she would slip away and she'd never have to face this all again. It was all her fault, that was her main thought. It was all her fault and she could have lost all of them. She wasn't sure she wanted to die, but she also didn't have the strength to go on.

Picking up her phone she stared at the one number she wanted to call right now, and quickly discarded that, scrolling through her contacts instead she selected one who was halfway around the world. It was always easier to talk to James than it was to talk to anyone else. "MB?"

"James, promise me you won't forget about me." It was her last request, she needed someone to remember her. Someone to always know who she was. Someone to tell her story, even, when things got rough and the narrative that was going to be pushed made her out to be a bad guy.

"Meredith, what did you do?" James asked, and she knew that he knew her well enough to know something was wrong. She didn't care that much, and she just hiccuped a little, and took another swig of the scotch to stop the bile that was climbing up her throat. Swallowing it back down until she no longer felt like she was going to throw up.

"Probably something stupid, but I can't do this anymore." She could tell she was slurring her words at this point, and there was a pleasant warmth brushing through her system, but she really shouldn't have done this, even if it was the only way she had to escape all of this. "I break everything I touch."

"Merri, talk to me. Are you at your hotel?" He was clearly pulling over on the side of the road, wherever he was, to talk to her more clearly. She knew that she'd text him to say she was going staying at a hotel in the Keys for a couple of weeks, she'd even given him the address and her room number.

"Yeah, in my room." She confirmed, the world swimming in front of her once before settling again. She then thought about all the things that had failed or would fail because of her. everything that she had to struggle with, all her regrets and her doubts. "I broke us, I broke my team… It's my fault that all their jobs are in jeopardy and I don't want to live like this anymore."

"Keep talking to me Merri." James urged, and Merri just thought that he didn't have to keep saying that. She wanted to talk, she wanted to get out all of her demons before she wasn't there to exorcise them the way that she wanted to. Before the agendas took over and stole her story away from her. "What did you take?"

"Everything. Some pills, a bottle of scotch." All of a sudden, she was regretting some of this, only because she had heard the panic and fear in his voice and she needed to try and stop him being afraid. She had always promised that she wouldn't let him be afraid. "I love you, J. You're my best friend. Please look after my parents for me."

She heard the terror in his voice increasing, especially after she mentioned her parents, and she understood why. Olivia and Paul Brody had already lost one daughter, James probably didn't want them to lose the other. "You're going to make it through this, Merri." He was trying to reassure her, to tell her that things were alright, but they never would be again. "I'm calling the Emergency Services."

"Where are you?" It was a dull question, one that she didn't really care about the answer too, she probably wasn't going to listen if he told her anyway. All she cared about was hearing his voice so she wasn't alone. She didn't care about anything else. just about the fact that he cared enough to talk to her while she did this.

"Seattle. Just hold on for me." She heard him switch to another conversation, likely on his other phone. It was interesting, to hear him talking about her. "I need an ambulance, my friend has attempted suicide…" She listened as he gave the address, gave the room number, told them what she'd said, he hadn't mentioned that she was a federal agent, for that she was very grateful.

"James, I love you. Thank you." She just repeated that a few times, no longer even sure if her words were making sense. She didn't even know if she was understandable anymore. All that mattered to her was that James know he was important to her and that she was sorry he was the one who had to live through this.

"Hold on Merri, They're coming." Those were the last words she heard, and they gave her a pleasant thought as she slipped into unconsciousness, possibly for the last time. James had wanted to save her from across the country, or halfway across the world. Wherever he was he had tried to save her from there, and she was grateful for that, even if he hadn't succeeded.

* * *

 **May 21st, 2016**

The first thing that came back to her were the smells. The disinfectant, and something familiar, aftershave. She knew that smell but she didn't know where from. Whatever it was, it was comforting, and it made her feel as though she was safe. Then, the next thing she was aware of were sounds. A calm, comforting beep, every few seconds. The door opening and closing, quiet voices. Then she could feel touch, someone taking her pulse and checking her temperature. Then the voice was louder, one she didn't recognise."I think she's coming around, try talking to her."

"Hey sleepyhead." Now that voice was entirely familiar, and again made her feel safe. She now started trying to open her eyes. As she smelled him, ran his voice over in her mind, she realised that it was James stood beside her bed, and then she felt him taking her hand, sliding his fingers between hers. "Wake up, MB." She tried to open her eyes faster, but it still took longer than she'd like.

"Where am I?" She blinked a couple of times, hearing her throat raw and painful. She didn't want to be stuck like this, so as soon as could she tried to move, but James put his hand on her shoulder and laid her back down. She understood that he was trying to protect her, and she was grateful for that in her way.

James looked down at her, all concern and deep love, and Merri was sure that he had a good reason to be there. "A hospital, you survived, but it was a close thing." All of a sudden the memories all came flooding back, what had happened back in New Orleans, what she'd done when she'd gotten to Florida, most of the phone call to James. All of a sudden the crushing guilt and anger returned too.

"Why did you save me?" It was the only question she could ask, as she didn't understand what had made James decide that she was good enough to save, because she really didn't think that she was worth saving, she destroyed everything that she came into contact with, it would have been better if she didn't have that opportunity any longer.

"Because I love you too much to let you go." James replied and kissed her forehead as he did. She closed her eyes as he pulled back and thought about that for a moment. James loved her still, enough to have saved her life when she wanted to end it. Then he said three words that shot terror right through her. "Your mum's here."

"Oh god, how has she taken this?" She knew that her mother could seem like one of the worst people in the world when it came to anything that Merri might do, but even through all of that, Olivia Brody did want the best for her daughter and hearing that she tried to do something to herself must have been brutal.

"She's afraid for you Merri. Just like I am." There was James again, being his caring, charming, wonderful self. It actually didn't make her feel guilty, either, mostly it just made her sad. It made her wish that she'd been able to do more for the people that she'd let down, especially her friends in New Orleans, those who had almost died because of her mistake. "They want to keep you on a hold for 72 hours, then we'll see where we are."

"That's probably a good idea, as I can't say I won't try again." She didn't have any plans to, but until she'd had the pills in her hand she hadn't planned to last night either. So she didn't know if she'd tried again, the attempt hadn't ended any of the problems in her brain, and it wasn't just going to disappear. She could already feel the self-loathing that had pushed her to the edge building up in her again.

"You won't, because I'll be there. I'm not leaving you alone." James once again sounded like the sweetest, most caring person in the world, and Merri wondered what she'd done to deserve him as a friend. She might never know, but she was glad he was there, glad that he'd stepped in when he had even if she wasn't necessarily happy with the outcome.

"James, you can't do that." She didn't want to have him missing work or having to spend too much time taking care of her when he had other things that he was meant to be doing. She knew now that she needed help, maybe on the hold she could start toward that, because really she didn't want to kill herself, but she also did.

"Yes I can, I'm taking a leave of absence from work, and I'll be with you until we decide what to do to get you better." James was telling her that she wasn't going to be able to get rid of him as easily as she'd always assumed she would. He had always seemed the type to run away, but right now he was giving up the job he loved to take care of her and that actually meant more to her than she could ever say.

"You really are the best friend." She smiled and reached up putting her hand on his cheek and running a thumb over his lips. It was a familiar, intimate gesture even if they weren't in a relationship any longer. She couldn't resist telling him that she hadn't wanted to be saved, she hadn't wanted to survive. Now she needed to move on but that wasn't going to stop her. "But, I still wish you hadn't saved me."

James sighed a little, and Merri wondered what it was that was bothering him about all of that. She just watched him for a moment, and after a second he swallowed and she saw the tears spring to his eyes. "I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't." He whispered quietly, reaching for the hand that was still on his cheek and held it tightly as the door opened again

"Meredith, you're awake." Merri couldn't see the door, but she recognised that voice and she was more than a little on edge. Almost as soon as she was over the bed, Merri could see how concerned Olivia had been for her surviving daughter, and Merri did feel bad about what she'd done to her mother. "Is this to do with that agent? I read the report on my way here."

"I keep forgetting how high your security clearance is." That was one of the things that constantly surprised her. How Olivia always knew the details, no matter what was going on. She always knew and while on occasion that was comforting, more often than not it was just weird. "It's about everything, mom. Everything I should have prevented but didn't. Everything I should have seen earlier but didn't. Every life I could have saved… but didn't."

"Emily's death is not your fault, MB." James repeated, something he'd told her a dozen times over the years, something everyone had told her a lot ever since it happened. Merri couldn't help but feel responsible though, as Emily had told her she was scared, and she'd brushed it off, acted as though it didn't mean anything. That it would wait until she got back.

"She told me she was scared, J. That someone had threatened her." She could feel the wail in her voice and the sting in her eyes that told her tears were welling up there. It wasn't what she wanted to think about right now, but she couldn't help it. "I should have done more."

"There was no more you could have done, Merri." Olivia replied softly, pulling a handkerchief out and wiped her face with it gently while James just stayed beside her holding her hand, which gave her more support and strength than she cared to admit to. "Get some more sleep, we can talk more after you've spoken to the psychiatrist."

"It's not…?" She started, then turned to James a little panic stricken knowing that he'd know exactly why. He was part of the situation that had caused for her to have such a worry. But maybe, hopefully even, James would have seen to nip that in the bud if it was a possibility.

"You're not in New Orleans, Merri. It's not Wilkins." He reassured her almost immediately, and Merri caught the odd look that Olivia levelled them with as James finished speaking. It was definitely not going to be easy and she didn't know if she'd ever get better, but she was willing to try.

"Thank God." Sam had said things that Merri would never be able to forget, and she didn't blame him, at the time she had just betrayed him, with the man stood holding her hand. As she looked between two of the people she loved most in the world she realised that this was the best thing that could have happened following this case. "Mom, can I go home?" She made the decision to fight through this, whatever this was. This hopelessness and depression. Maybe it was all connected to her PTSD that she'd had for close to a decade. Merri didn't want to cause any more pain, so she needed to work her way through this.

"When all this is done, sweetheart. Dad can take you home. We'll all take you home." Merri felt her mother pulling her into her arms and realised that no matter how good it would have felt for her to slip away into nothingness, it would have destroyed the two people in this room with her, and she didn't think she could stomach that knowledge. So she knew she had made the right choice, she needed to fight this.


	3. Chapter 3

_A couple of others are reading this now and I'm so happy. So. This is really all the start of healing. This chapter is from James' point of view. The lyrics are from "Concrete" by As It Is.  
Shin xx_

* * *

 _ **No I can't stop**_  
 _ **If all I've got**_  
 _ **Is an empty heart**_  
 _ **Full of broken parts**_

 **May 21st, 2016**

Standing outside of Merri's room while she spoke to a psychiatrist was harder than James wanted to admit to, and he hated that he couldn't just burst in there and help her out. He knew that she needed to get through this herself, but seeing his best friend, the woman he had once planned to marry, in such a position was hard to stomach. In all the years he'd known Olivia Brody he hadn't seen her looking this scared before, and he knew that she was thinking about the fact she'd almost lost her second daughter, and James was fairly sure that the woman would never have lived through that tragedy a second time. "Think she's going to pull through?" Olivia asked out of the silence, and James just looked down to her then reached around her and pulled her to his side again.

"She always has before." He knew that he was the only one who knew most of Merri's mental health history, and he had been more than a little surprised to learn that he still had her power of attorney. Then again, he probably shouldn't have been as she still had his too. It had never seemed necessary to remove her as no matter what she knew him best.

"Have you ever seen her like this?" Olivia asked, and now James had to debate what he told her. Realising that unlike most people he didn't legally have to keep it private, though he always had. Right now, Olivia needed to know what they were all going to be going up against, because this would require them all to be firing on the same level.

"Suicidal, no. When she came back from Iraq she was bad though." He remembered that, and again there he and Merri had been broken up, but she'd needed him, and it had only been a few months. He'd actually just finished the assignment they'd split up over, and he'd spent six months coasting while she recovered enough to go back to work.

"I know something happened in Iraq, but I never looked into it." Olivia did generally look into Merri's work, now, he knew that. But back then he didn't think that Merri had spoken to her mother since Emily's funeral, and she rarely spoke to her father. They were much closer now, but James still wasn't surprised that Merri had never told them what happened. Who wanted to tell their parents that they'd been tortured, he certainly wouldn't have wanted to. "Do you think this may have something to do with that."

"I'm sure it plays a part. She's had mild PTSD ever since the _Moultrie_ , then Iraq happened in 2009 when you weren't… talking much. She didn't sleep for days on end, barely ate." He remembered the fights they'd had about her eating, her sleeping, her leaving the house. James had taken weeks to get her back to some kind of normality, and it had taken months of counselling to get her back to being herself.

"You two had broken up in 2009?" Olivia commented, and James was a little amazed that she knew that. Then again enough people had known them all to have passed the news on when James had left for Afghanistan, and no doubt for when Merri had posted him his ring back.

"She called me then, just like she did last night." It always seemed like he was who Merri called in an emergency. James actually really didn't mind that. He loved being her safety blanket, and he would always come when needed. There was nothing between him and Merri any longer, but she was still his best friend and likely always would be.

Olivia considered him for a moment then sighed and shook her head. "James, why don't you two just get back together?" It was a question that he had asked himself a dozen times, and he knew Merri had asked herself too, and they'd asked each other. Then whenever they'd try it, it would be an unmitigated disaster and he cared too much about Merri to lose her for good because they pushed something that was never going to work.

"We don't want to be a couple again. We've tried that and we don't work." It was really the only way he could explain it. No matter what they did, that magic they'd had before Emily died had been lost. "I will love her for the rest of my life, and I'm sure she loves me, but it's not romantic anymore. She is my best friend, and I'll always protect her."

"Good." Olivia nodded after a moment and took a deep breath. He knew that it was always a worry for her, that Merri wouldn't be happy, but James knew that eventually Merri would surprise them all. "Her father and I always knew you and Daniel were good matches for her and Emily." That was not a secret, in fact they'd been told that a lot over the years, and it was how James and Daniel had come to being friends. After a second Olivia stepped away and sighed again. "I worry about Merri right now."

"We all do, I'm more worried that she doesn't want anyone to know." That was going to restrict the number of people she had fighting in her corner, and that wasn't going to make it easy for her to get through this. Merri really needed everyone in her corner she could get.

"She's ashamed." Olivia reasoned, and it was actually a little harder for James to deny that. Everything about Merri's demeanour right now was telling him that she was ashamed of what she'd tried to do, and of what had pushed her to do it.

"I guess. They are her friends though." He just wanted her to know that she had the backing of so many people who loved her. People who wanted her to get better. Even without knowing her team that well he knew that was correct.

"They are her colleagues, and clearly they didn't protect her enough if she was put in this situation." There was an anger in Olivia's voice that James hadn't ever heard before that worried him. "She was so badly hurt, they knew that, and it's been more than 24 hours and nobody has called to check up on her. Not even Pride, and they seemed close when I visited."

"You can't blame them for this Olivia, Merri's a big girl." Whatever Dwayne Pride and his team did or didn't do. Meredith was an adult in her own right. She had her own choices to make, for better or worse. This was a bad one, but it was hers.

"Who was vulnerable! Finding out someone we were so close to murdered her sister. Merri being the only one who fought for it for so long." Now James understood more, Olivia was feeling guilty that she hadn't been there more for her daughter, and hadn't believe her when she said there was something going on with Emily's case.

"She's not a child, she could have reached out to them." He wasn't even convincing himself, and he knew that really they were both just casting around for someone to blame for what had happened with Merri, but they couldn't focus on blame, they needed to move on. They all needed to be focusing on Merri more than on the situation that had brought her here. "What is important is that we have her now, and that we all stay here for her."

There was a moment where they were both silent, each considering the situation in their own way. "You'll stay with her? With us?" Olivia turned back toward him, and James instead barrelled forward and wrapped her up into a hug. She'd always been kind to him, even when he and Merri had been having a lot of trouble.

"As long as you need, then as long as she needs." Really, Merri was going to be his focus. He hoped that she would be everyone else's focus too, because that was exactly what she needed right about now.

"Thank you, James, you're a good boy." Olivia smiled and patted his cheek as she started to pull away softly. He squeezed her shoulders and nodded, seeing that she seemed to be back in control again, back being the one making all the calls and ensuring that nothing bad was going to happen to any of them.

"Any time, Livia." James replied quietly, knowing that no matter what he would come if Merri called. She was always going to have that hold over her, and really James didn't actually mind that at all. He also didn't mind that Olivia wanted him to help them now too. It reminded him that he was still a part of the family, and that made him happy. Next up they just needed for Merri to get better.

 **May 23rd, 2016**

It had been an uncomfortable couple of days, James wasn't going to deny that. He had had to finish his work, and Merri's parents had been doing whatever they'd been doing. Every day they'd all gone for visiting, and they'd noticed that she was beginning to take more control. It wasn't her getting better, especially, but she was regaining control. The doctor was ready to talk to them, and he just hoped that Merri was going to be able to leave. "She's come along well. I'll be comfortable releasing her into community care tomorrow."

"You're sure?" Olivia actually looked slightly more surprised at that than James was. He'd actually known that Merri would be OK eventually. She hadn't been sure that it would have been this fast though. When they got up to Virginia though, they'd be able to take her to another facility and get some further help on him.

"I am. Meredith is still in a deep depression that it will take time and counselling to bring her out of, but she is no longer suicidal." The doctor continued, and James just really wanted to stay quiet, to listen to Paul, Olivia and the doctor while they spoke. He wanted to understand, but in some ways he wanted for Merri to be in there with them talking about this.

"Is that normal?" Paul was the one asking this time, and James again just stood back, watching, listening. He was trying to work out whether or not all of this was completely normal. Given how calm the doctor was, he was guessing that Merri was really doing OK. James was just so worried that she might backslide.

"Many people who attempt for the reasons Meredith did and survive will never attempt again." The doctor explained calmly, and again James looked at him like he was insane. He was pretty sure that when people got to the point Merri was in they didn't come back from it that easily. Clearly the doctor caught his look, as he just smiled a little more and nodded softly to him. "It was more situational than because she truly wants to be dead. She wanted, needed, to try and stop the guilt she was feeling about the mistakes she feels she had made."

James did have one very important question that mattered to him. Especially knowing how America could be when it came to some matters, and it was hard to imagine that this doctor was just talking about this with all of them without shouting about it first. "You're allowed to discuss this with us?"

"She has allowed me to speak with the three of you." The doctor answered, and James made a mental note to double check that with Merri, though this doctor seemed to be really good. "One thing I must stress is that she cannot return to her job, not for some time." That was going to kill Merri, her job was her life. Clearly both Paul and Olivia were having the exact same reaction to that.

"In New Orleans?" Olivia was the one who knew that her team mattered the most to her. James had seen them, but he hadn't really gotten to know them. He knew Olivia had been around them, worked a case with them. She probably knew better than anyone how much it meant for Merri to be there.

"Anywhere, honestly." The doctor had obviously been thinking about this seriously, and James figured this was all coming out in the sessions that Merri was having with him. That was even worse than Merri having to stop work in her adopted city, but never doing the job again…

"She has wanted to be in law enforcement since she was seven years old." Paul sounded more than a little defensive about that, and James didn't blame him. James had known that Merri had always wanted to do the job, and that she was always damn good at it. This was going to break her heart.

"Law enforcement isn't necessarily the problem. NCIS is, from what I can tell she feels betrayed by the central agency." James still didn't really know what had gone on, nor did Paul from the looks of it, but clearly Olivia did, as she just nodded. "She trusts her immediate team, but outside of them she seems very distrustful, and that is a problem."

"That's going to be a fun conversation with her." James commented, thinking about how Meredith was going to kick up a fuss about the fact that she wasn't going to be able to go back to school.

"I've already had it with her, and she agrees she needs some distance." The doctor had clearly actually helped that much, and they had managed to avoid that awkward, terrible conversation that really wasn't going to be easy. "How you work on that distance is up to the four of you."

"Thank you for all your help." Olivia was a lot nicer than James had actually expected, and as the doctor stood up and walked out. At that moment everyone slid to silence and they sat thinking.

"What are we going to do?" That was really the only question that James could think of asking next.

"Let's start by taking her to Virginia, then we can see what is needed next." Her father suggested, and that was probably the best choice. After this Merri could try and figure out what she wanted to do. "Merri has to agree to it all." Paul was right, and James wasn't sure that she would agree to anything now. Though if she had agreed not to return to New Orleans they could work that out. It was going to be more difficult than any of them would have ever imagined, he was sure, but she needed their support.


End file.
